Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.

No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.

ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth

I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.

Anakin: How do we get in?

Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.

*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*

If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?

Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?

Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.

Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.

Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.

11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait

[aquarium]

*penguin strapped on my back*

Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?

No, it’s just a backpack.

Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!

um, fish

My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.

Thanks for following.

Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal

Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.

*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?

– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.

Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.

Funny because it’s true. 🤣

If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids

If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady

If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch

Women can’t win

Nice try Hitler

How does a Ninja attack a pig?

Pork Chop.

[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.

Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.

What did watching Cinderella teach us?

7yo:

It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.