Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!

-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀

During a meditation session

Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.

I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.

I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!

SNAIL: I’m a turtle?

GOD: No, you’re a snail

SNAIL: I have a shell

GOD: Yup

SNAIL: and I move really slowly

GOD: Yeah, all the time

SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?

GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing

I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?

So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978

When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”

I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.

you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun

Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?

Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.

Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?

Me: No, I said I’d like to.

“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.

A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.

4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy

4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately

please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke

-hearing my dog about to puke

i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”

I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.

Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.

Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.

What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?

I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.

how to lose 20lb

step 1: gain 40lb

[at pet store]

Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.