Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
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I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
“Are you just going to sit there all day?”
“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out