Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
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*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
When a shoelace touches your ankle
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[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
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Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*