Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
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I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
bears
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.