Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.

Fun Fact: Rudolph isn’t on the Epstein flight logs because he flew there himself.

IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE

you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good

It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day

Opens the bottle of hot sauce

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

Him: Do you swallow?

Me: Every time I chew.

Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.

Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again

I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.

Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.

Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.

Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.

Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!

The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him

If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”

Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.

Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia

roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep

Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!

Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto

Me: *gets comfortable*

Life: Just one more thing …

*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought

imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night

three things we don’t talk about

If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.