Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.

A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.

to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn

Chemical wingman

North and South

Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.

[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]

THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?

ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.

You: Sitting down to eat

Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?

good cop: you do not have to talk to us

bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup

shit, they caught us—run!!!

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”

Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar

someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”

Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro

Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.

Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.

Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.

[cat and dog meet for negotiations]

Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.

Cat: *smiles*

Dog: Oh no.

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.

You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it

A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.

Ok, but like, how married are you?

“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha

Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full

“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb

The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.