Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
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Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
the icebreaker
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.