<- sleeps well with others
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My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit