@titletown__

<- sleeps well with others

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@Mr_Kapowski

Guys, Kelly Kapowski does not belong solely to me

She belongs to us all

She’s R. Kelly

@ImaFlyontheWall

Fact: If you get pulled over, as the cop is walking up to you, place an aluminum foil hat on your head and you disappear from his vision.

@leifromloihi

oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever

@BuckyIsotope

Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?

@ThatBrenna

I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.

@Underchilde

If I ever commit suicide, I wanna jump off a cliff w/an open umbrella so people wonder if I thought it would bring me safely to the ground.

@ObiWanPunobi

What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?

@Angibangie

Prank:

Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.

(helps if ur a scientist)

@infinityonhi

Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip