<- sleeps well with others
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Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to