<- sleeps well with others
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Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
PLEASE READ
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night