Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
You Might Also Like
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
🥲
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
craving $300 all of a sudden