Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.

Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.

Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted

On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.

My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.

Him: I’m a morning person

Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that

Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”

You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”

Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.

Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.

My mom when I was a kid:

“Never talk to strangers.”

“Never get in their cars.”

Me to my future kids:

“Here’s how to order an Uber.”

Are these fish:

A. A different species

B. The same species

C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs

a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists

If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.

“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”

Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.

I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool

Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”

My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.

Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.

twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.