Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
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Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
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I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car