Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.

Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.

If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread

There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.

First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.

a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.

I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.

Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!

Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either

Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.

Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot

[stranded on Mars journal]

day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days

day 2: I ate rob

i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time

Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”

The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”

am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall

My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me

There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.

(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.

Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?

Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.

I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.

Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.