*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
You Might Also Like
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword