*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
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*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig