*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
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Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot