Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
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[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down