Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
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My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
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I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.