Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
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*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Skip intro
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I’ve been drinking.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
