Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
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Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”