Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.

When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.

Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.

I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”

I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.

4: The baby has a lot of skin!

Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…

4:

Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….

4:

Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.

DATE: Wtf are you doing?

ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.

WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.

ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??

ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit

SON: it’s called homework

Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.

I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.

7: can we have an awake-over tonight?

me: an awake-over?

7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep

I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.

[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?

[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!

I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.

disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project

boss: what about blood

disguised vampire: huh?

boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right

disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean

~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*

[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]

Okay. Weigh me now

Love this one 😂🧟

I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.

GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*

*checks for abs, finds a clown

Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.

Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]

Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.

It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.

A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.

I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.