Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for

This is hilarious….

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

Don’t you dare flirt with me.

Yet.

Okay now.

Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.

Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

“Can I take your order?”

Wait, take it where?

“No, not-”

I haven’t even given you my order yet

“I mean-”

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER

So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕

[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya

Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’

luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker

I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.

At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.

[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*

You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol

[restaurant]

me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*

Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.

They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him

My signature move is illegal in 37 states.

I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.

Me: We spend a lot of time together.

Her: Turn left.

Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.

Her: Arriving at destination.

[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*

Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.

If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave