[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
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wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
this year felt like being awake during surgery
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.