Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
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I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
We’ve all been there…
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
I basically called this earlier today
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.