Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
You Might Also Like
Inside you there are two wolves
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Oceanography is all about current events
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Otters see a butterfly.