Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?

*later walking home*

Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies

we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.

“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?

“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004

A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.

Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute

*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

me: return of the mack.

cashier: receipt of the mack?

If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.

Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.

There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.

2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.

Me: This edible isn’t working.

Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.

passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture

incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED

Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.

My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.

How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?

[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]

me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak

Spell check is for lasers.

If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.

As the best book lists of 2021 drop

I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.