Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”![]()
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“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
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They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
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ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
Is your wife single?
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
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Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”