Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.

her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie

me: sure

[at her place]

her: *waiting for me to make a move*

me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking

When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.

Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.

Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.

👀

when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”

I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.

“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”

[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]

Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?

Host: What’s your friend’s name?

Me: Wikipedia.

A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.

He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.

What about second breakfast?

Why is this me 😫

lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter

they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie

Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

[making out in a club]

her: wanna go to the bathroom?

me: no I’ve just been thanks

I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon

“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing

This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly

#getstudying #college

Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.

Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.

Me:

Rey: Look. I still have two hands.

“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation

I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code

Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…

Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.

Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.

GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me

Her Friend: How do u know

GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars

[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]

ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell

When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.

Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in

Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.