Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth– the groceries in the back of my car
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“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
This billboard speaks to me
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Guantanamo Bae
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.