Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it

If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.

I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.

y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.

this is where I found it today

[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later

i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead

Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge

My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’

Same, kid. Same.

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.

He was a Norman Cook.

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.

*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

Toddler: Because someone took my sock

Me: No one took your sock!

Toddler: Then where is it?!

Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity

[Movie Theater]

Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.

Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.

Children of the Corn Man

why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?

*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*

HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!

Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff

HECKLER: boooo

this is uni

6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard

I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…

Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf

Me: Get the hell out of my sight!

That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.

me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”

Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”

When I play the kazoo, I play to win

Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.