Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately

babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped

I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?

well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night

That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.

Sup?

[phone]

H: What’s for dinner?

M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.

H: Should I stop and get something?

M: Yes, more vodka.

yesterday at the post office, guy in front of me:
“i’m interested in sending a letter.”
po clerk: “OK do you have the letter?”
guy: “no I do not”.

My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.

Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.

Day 5 of self quarantine:

My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children

why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?

Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.

Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy

I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit

Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?

– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan

I found a message in a bottle. It said:

“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”

Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.

Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.

Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.

I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.

When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.