Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”

My six year old: “Crab!”

[trampoline park]

me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*

Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit

Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy

Me: it shows

[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.

Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.

I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like

You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?

We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.

#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings

A groundhog taking the wheel

The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.

I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers

Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.

Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.

taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals

Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.

How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same

Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!

[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone

“Why do birds suddenly appear?”

To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.

[creation of trees]

god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves

tree: like a big coat?

god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off

tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job

my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office

Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”

Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”

My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.

Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: blurry

Game developer: his name is Donkey

Nintendo: nice

Developer: he’s a gorilla

Nintendo: ok twist

Developer: who wears a necktie

Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?

Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?

Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking

True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia