*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
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You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Writing, She Murdered.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
I’m about to risk it all
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing