*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
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I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.