Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )

ufo crew: why are we hovering?

ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs

ufo crew: why not land?

ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af

Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter

JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*

[someone breaks into the house]

Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings

My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives

Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

You are not alone 💚

Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral

Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.

me: Fantastick.

Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince

Me: I’ve lost my kitten

Cop: How would you best describe him?

Me: He looks like a miniature cat

What do you call an upset reindeer?

Caribou-hoo.

*Ba-dum-tsss

When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.

According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”

Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:

Other dads:

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes

Dm: Hi

Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?

It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.

Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.

me: why can’t I crack this egg open

wife: because it’s a lemon

me: first my car and now this

I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.

Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy