Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I don’t think I belong

Therapist: Do you think you be short?

Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*

BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop

You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second

*regional mathematics tryouts*

Judge: what is 2+2?

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking

Fun Fact:

Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

*Does something bad*

Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

[giving a eulogy for my doctor]

ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples

fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?

*works from home*

*files claim for hostile work environment*

[Putting on a fitted sheet]

Me: Dammit this is the short side.

Me: This is somehow also the short side.

WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?

ME: Actually I think it was-

*cat makes throat slice gesture*

-the wind

Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..

This did not end as expected.

my premium snap prices:

-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15

In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.

Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband

Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything

Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?

Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.

Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.

Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit

Me: *no idea what that means* haha same

My iPhone does NOT rule my life.

Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.

me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.

cookie:

My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.