*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
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Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52
Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?
Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*