*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
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Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
kevin is now a local weatherman
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors