Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Generation gap…

One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.

Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.

If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.

Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…

Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.

crazy

Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.

Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.

Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

*orders pepperoni pizza*

Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.

*calls back, adds mushrooms*

My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch

Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.

My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.

my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive

Husband: Should we hit the gym today?

Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?

Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.

A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”

I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.

[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.

Parenting Tip:

Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.

“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”

“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”

“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”

My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?

If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes

It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.

Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage