Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is

scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask

fred: really no idea who it is

scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–

fred: just no way to know

Make your daily standup meeting shorter

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

I wonder if Mary and Joseph hated putting away the Christmas stuff as much as I do

Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!

Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*

Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.

The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.

Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?

At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!

They got a point!

I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.

So, I took her to Subways.

Them: You seem nice.

Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.

Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.

“Do you have a makerspace at this library?”
“No we don’t.”
“You don’t make anything at all?”
“Do excuses count?”

It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.

ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.

*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*

…they just keep sending more…

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

If you need a laugh.. 😅

[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it

Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”

Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.

You are what you eat?

*eats Natalie Portman*

I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.

Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.

*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the

Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor

Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman

My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer