*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
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Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
5 ways to appear taller
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?