*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
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Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us