Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”

They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.

Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.

*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*

*watches people scream into the box*

That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.

*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.

Dog 911: what’s ur emer-

Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME

Dog 911: so?

Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE

Dog 911: OMG

Dog: OMG

Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.

Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.

I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.

i wish all

whales

a very

big

Ladies, if he’s

– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door

He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.

me at 20: i’ll do anything.

me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.

May your day taste like creamy soup.

[1st date]

Me: “So, what do you do?”

Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”

Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”

[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders

If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.

I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer

The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?

The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.

Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.

DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts

I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?

Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha

Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now

The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal

All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.

May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you

The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy

Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation

ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?

FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse