Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you

My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.

WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try

*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls

I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.

I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.

[church fundraiser]

me: *takes out a $100*

priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child

me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?

This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.

when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s

[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]

30 seconds later…

Kid: Look mom fur angels

Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.

If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.

cop: where u headed

me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat

cop: [handing me his gun] good luck

me: dating is hard

me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do

Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today

Me: *opens a package*

5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!

Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.

5:

Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.

I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.

God: you’re a llama.

Llama: I look ridiculous.

God: why do you say that?

Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.

God: that’s not true.

Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (

God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.

Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.

[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here

Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out

I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..

Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on

My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”