Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder

Hobbes: getting a second opinion?

Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it

What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.

🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?

New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.

A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,

“Hello. I sell doorbells.”

People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.

I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.

I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.

I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.

Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages

At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.

Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!

Wife: I don’t like where this is going.

Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.

Wife: I’ll be at the bar

on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme

If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.

Netflix and Will…

…you stop trying to touch me?

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.

[candle store]

WIFE: Do you have vanilla?

“No”

WIFE: Apple?

“Nope”

WIFE: Lavender?

“Sorry”

ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents

Me: Will you marry me?

Girlfriend: No.

Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.

So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.

Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up

Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please

pet shop: please stop calling us

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.

Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?

Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.

12: This apple tastes funny.

Me: That’s because it’s a peach.

Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.

If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice

A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids

Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes

me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up

boss: hey we’re in a meeting

me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me