[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
You Might Also Like
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.
Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”