[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
You Might Also Like
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!