[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
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I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?
Me: of course, bud.
4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!