Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
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ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
The real reason evolution started..😂
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral