Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.

they see me scrollin

I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.

I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.

I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.

I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours

People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.

Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”

I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.

Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”

[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!

“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.

Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket

Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting

nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time

I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.

Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.

Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.

My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.

This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.

motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.

The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me

I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”

My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent

Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:

– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch

The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.

(Job Interview)

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.

How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?

they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon

I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.