*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
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I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
When you let grandma cat sit
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Meme Monday.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?