Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6 month checkup…

Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.

I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up

Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it

*At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*

Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT

I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.

To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy

I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife

my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing

GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!

ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]

[later]

GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?

I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered

DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*

Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.

I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…

I hope everything is ok.

Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?

Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech

UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”

My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.

me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories

also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.

College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?

Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY

I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them

Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?

Aaaaaand tweet.

Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.

vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry

Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham

If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.

I wanted to start writing a sewing blog

But I lost my thread

In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.