Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Your makeup looks weird

Me: I’m not wearing any

This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10

Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?

Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor

*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”

Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace

him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve

me: that’s ketchup

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early

astronaut: moon’s haunted

nasa employee: what?

astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.

* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *

Crab : My eyes are up here.

tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”

There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.

I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.

6: Mom will you play with me?

Me: Sure buddy

6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ

Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh

INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”

ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel

condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids

In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes

It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.

Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.

this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.

Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.

My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.

Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward

ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.