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I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
In my 20’s: jingle all the way!
In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??