You Might Also Like
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Sir!!
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.