Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.

Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.

I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.

“Who’s your favorite vampire?”

“The one on Sesame Street.”

“He doesn’t count.”

“I can assure you that he does.”

our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk

I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.

nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.

Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?

I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.

When exactly does the strong part kick in?

People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.

3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.

3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?

She’s going to crush high school.

You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?

Vodka

Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?

hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities

IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY

I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:

Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate

Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question

[in ambulance]

“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Yes it was like an angry rope

cop: is this your chocolate factory?

wonka: why do you ask

cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor

wonka: that 8 year old owns it now

Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper

Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.

I’m definitely a ten

…tative 4

me: i just love traveling!

my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about

Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?

Me: yes. Molotov, please.

Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.