Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
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Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
A drum solo but on your face.
Siri, fight Alexa.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good