Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How high do the levels go?

Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot

The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.

Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…

Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.

When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”

Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.

After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.

[ first date ]

her: i want a partner that can open my heart

me: well i am a surge-

her: and never do anything to shock me

me: protector

Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots

Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?

The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.

me: i’m sorry

gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?

me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas

gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy

me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence

3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.

This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.

When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!

in the 9th grade, everyone dressed up as a hero, but i didn’t. a guy i liked asked me what I was dressed as, and i said i’m dressed as your girlfriend. he skipped the next 2 days

i just want to say sorry you failed your algebra test brad but i’m still dressed as your girlfriend

($800 for an iphone)

oh no problem here you go

(99 cents for an app)

HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW

I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.

– the parent who taught them to talk like that

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder

STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day

as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.

[watching Jaws]

Me: Which ones Jaws

Girlfriend: Who do u think?

Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell

I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”

i love meeting boys on tinder