Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…

You’re probably into some shady shit!

I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them

Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.

Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.

Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.

Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.

[holding a baby]

me: uh so how long have you been a baby?

Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big

just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968

*tries to be less adorable*

*fails*

“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”

Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.

people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.

The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.

waiter: how was your roast duck sir

me: fine, i’ll take the bill now

waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part

me: no no, i need to pay

waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir

STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.

The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.

Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-

Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!

ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.

Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.

date: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad

H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?

This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.