Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.

Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.

The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.

Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!

Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!

I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.

The key to a successful marriage is never go to bed married

[product pitch meeting]

BOSS: ok what have you come up with

ME: a turbo walker for seniors

BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up

ME [proudly]: with these roller skates

Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.

I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.

Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex

Me: Yeah

Gf: I’m having twins

Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies

The smoke detector went off because the battery was low and I thought it was because the frozen pizza was done.

How does a mule unlock a door?

With a don-key.

#MuleDay #RubbishJokes

If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket

Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat

Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.

If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.

waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?

me: milk for me please

date: [visibly disappointed]

me: uh make that 2 milks

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.

Can I get a Hallelujah?

Hallelujah!

Can I get an Amen?

Amen!

Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?

*crickets*

I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.

I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.

My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.

Adult. I was an adult.

Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]

LUKE: any weekend plans?

OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga

LUKE: omg I have to warn him

“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera