Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”

me before I type out affect or effect

Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.

The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.

Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?

I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab

olive garden manager: why are you quitting

waiter: i signed up to guard olives

ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail

Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.

Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.

BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*

Ancient wolves be like:

Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.

The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.

Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.

I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.

“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.

Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.

[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”

When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.

My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation

*being chased by serial killer

Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit

6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?

Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.

Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.

I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.

My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread

me: we should tell our son he’s adopted

wife: but he isn’t

me: I know but I’m bored

Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.