Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
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*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir