Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
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Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
