Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
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“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
I just tested negative for patience.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
This forever.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that