Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
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Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too