Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
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2024 was a year of tremendous personal growth. I’m up four pants sizes since January.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.