Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.![]()
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This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
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Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
<—- homeless romantic
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME